I had this colleague at work when I was lecturing full-time at university. She was cut from a different cloth from the rest of the team. Upbeat and energetic, she had managed to retain that spunk in her teaching that had largely dimmed in the rest. Academia can be a cozy hidey hole that breeds complacency so I was impressed that she still had the spark.
In our conversations, she expressed the desire to build on her teaching and credentials in some meaningful way. Which in academic circles usually means conducting research and getting published, something that the rest of our colleagues were eagerly pursuing. She said she was waiting for the time when her teaching plate was a bit less stocked to take on some research work.
Cut to a a few months later in our semester break, and our university announced a range of research funding grants for academic staff. Every week seemed to be a new juicy funding opportunity that neatly fit into my colleague’s areas of interest. I approached her and presented her with an idea that I was willing to collaborate with her on, giving her access to data on the ground, interviewees and other resources, and was willing to let her take the lead.
Her initial reaction was sheer enthusiasm and she said she would get back to me after calibrating her suggestions on a proposal. I waited to hear back, and a week or so later, she told me she was still mulling over options. Alas, I watched as the days slipped by and deadlines passed for each grant. I couldn’t help but think it was a missed opportunity.
I may not have known her particular circumstances at the backend so I cannot judge her too harshly. Still, it struck me as an example of an all-too common phenomenon I encountered, when opportunity knocks, we hold the doorknob but can’t bring ourselves to turn it. Some people may not have the time to. Some people may never have the time to. And too often, the reason is fear.
Fear of Folly, Fear of Fame
Much has been written about the twin sisters of failure and success. How one begets the other. How necessary failure is a precursor to deserved success. How failure is an orphan but success has many fathers. All true.
Failure in a pursuit, be it business, education or a relationship, will and should be undesirable, but we understand it as inevitable in our path to progress. Success, on the other hand, is always desirable, though certain varieties may actually impede our progress.
But the mind being what it is, it has a tendency to imagine possibilities of either failure or success before they manifest. And these imagined images can become specters which haunt us into paralysis, often unknowingly. Fear of failure receives its fair share of press. Failure of success though has managed to keep a low profile as it infects so many of us.
Not all fears are the same
On the surface, failure and success seem to engender a similar sort of fear. A fear that results in doubts, lack of confidence, decelerated motion and ultimately paralysis. Tasks in front of us become unsurmountable mountains, distractions around us become unavoidable temptations and goals ahead are soon lost in the horizon.
Both feats are rooted in our underlying insecurities that we have been carrying for much of our lives. They tickle this notion that we are, at our core, unworthy of confronting the great challenge called life. Yes failure fear and success fear differ in certain key respects, and it is worth knowing these differences if we are to tackle them.
Fear of failure stems from the concern over the consequences of not achieving a desired outcome. Will it lead to criticism, ridicule, loss of status or loss of wealth? Often this fear can be exaggerated, yet to a certain extent, it is a logical fear. What happens if we are just not up for the challenge?
Fear of success stems from the concern that we may actually be up for the challenge. In other words, we may achieve our goals of passion, but what happens after that? Do we want the added responsibility that comes with success, the extra scrutiny, the new routine? Are we willing to break from our somewhat cushy normal to embrace a whole new discomfort zone?
Fear of failure is the product of a scarcity mindset that sees life as a zero-sum game of winners and losers, whereas with fear of success we know how good we actually are but still deny our destiny. Acknowledging this subtle but important distinction is helpful in overcoming such fears.
Slaying the Fear Dragon
The famous maxim from the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, “Know Thyself”, is they key to counter fears head-on. First, we need to gain the understanding which fears are motivating our behavior and why such fear are being generated. Then we may begin the deliberative work of moving past them.
It is our ego, that psychological self-defense construct in each of us, that exerts a large degree of control over how we operate, often unbeknownst to our conscious mind. It is the same ego which warns us in dire terms about the damage which failure will wreak. And the same ego which pushes back against the notion of sacrificing our status quo for the sake of fresh success (often justifying it by citing the sacrifices that were made to achieve the status quo in the first place). The ego, the advocate for our self-preservation, can also be the architect of our self-limitation.
Our fears can be crafty, shifting and hiding under layers of BS excuses. Without the help of a therapist, coach or close confidant, they may consume years or decades before their true nature is revealed. But there should come a point when the ego can no longer sustain giving platitudes and justifications for the time and energy we spend in silent fear. Once our ego is humbled and our hidden motivators are unmasked, we will need to face up to them as we pursue our goals.
Much of this comes down to emotional management. We may need to accept that personal progress comes with its own shares of burdens. This includes processing and accepting uncomfortable feelings that can potentially weigh us down into inaction. Even using the word ‘fear’ may in certain cases be exaggerating what in reality is a sense of mild unease rather than true dread.
“It’s not the right time right now”, we tell ourselves. Of course it isn’t. The right time can always be later, which is a polite way of saying it doesn’t exist. Whether we worry our life opportunities will break us or remake us, the fact that they continue to knock at your door is a privilege we should not forget.
(Article originally appeared at https://saqib-m-sh.medium.com/failure-success-why-they-both-scare-us-stiff-f762485276b5)